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The astute observer of human behavior and great American author Mark Twain was fascinated by the concept of eavesdropping on his own funeral. In the novel “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer” published in 1902, he wrote that Tom, eavesdropping on his own funeral, said “it was the proudest moment of (his) life.”
What kind of funerals have you been to? What kind of funeral do you want to have? Do you want to have a funeral at all? A living funeral? A party? A roast? I’m going to answer my own questions. The first funeral I ever attended was for a classmate’s mother, when I was in elementary school, 4th or 5th grade. It was the first time I’d been to a Catholic church. The church very close to my house, and my best friend and I walked there together. I remember thinking that our friend, Damon, looked so small and strange in his suit. We didn’t know anything about Damon’s mom, or how she had died. We just wanted to go because Damon was our friend. I remember looking at the statues and the stained glass and understanding that what had happened was very sad and very serious. After that, I attended the funerals of my family members; three grandparents, and lots of great aunts and uncles. I’m blessed to be part of a large, close Jewish family living almost entirely in New Jersey, New York City and Long Island, so everyone’s funeral was in Queens, at a funeral home, presided over by a Rabbi. Each of my relatives is buried in one of the large Jewish cemeteries on Long Island. These cemeteries are so large that they have street names. These funerals were pretty similar to one another; people wore black, gave eulogies. We traveled to the cemetery together in a convoy, then went to someone’s house to eat and be together. When my aunt Kate died, she was laid out for viewing. This was very unusual for a Jewish woman. She had died her hair bright red for many years, only revealing her beautiful natural white for the last few years of her life. As I peered into her coffin, I was shocked, once again, by the absence of red hair with which I’d associated her so strongly those many years. Hers was the first dead body I’d ever seen. Aside from my family, I attended a funeral for a friend’s younger brother, killed when his friend who was driving drunk crashed their car. This was a very different type of funeral, held in a cemetery rural Pennsylvania. It was very informal; people wore jeans and smoked cigarettes at the graveside. They told stories, drank beer, laughed and cried. Afterward, there was a small, very casual dinner at a local hall. Recently, I attended a hospice patient’s funeral. Another Catholic church. I was struck by how many of his neighbors attended, speaking of his good deeds and kindnesses toward them. His wife posed by his open coffin, crouching down beside his prone body while her friend took photographs. She posed with the priest as well. All interesting experiences. All filled with unbridled emotion, pain and suffering but also light and love. None of these experiences is right for me. I just turned 40 and asked to be roasted for my birthday. I want to know how people feel about me. I want them to celebrate my wonderful qualities and my foibles. I want it to be real, and funny, and thought provoking. I want that for the celebration of Emily, too. Not my funeral. The Celebration of Emily. I want my favorite foods prepared and eaten, my favorite songs played. I want color and brightness. I want tears and pain and laughter and the full rainbow of emotions. I want stories and memories and photographs. I want to be look natural, I want to be clothed in something beautiful and special, and I want my loved ones to feel that way, too. I want it all, because I am selfish, indomitable, effervescent, silly, sensitive and spirited. I want ME. And then I want to be buried in the Mushroom Burial Suit: https://www.ted.com/talks/jae_rhim_lee?language=en (For more options, read my upcoming blog entry: Interesting Things We Can Do With Our Bodies When We Die). So, to sum up, we can eavesdrop on our own funerals. We can be present for them. We can do whatever we want. What do you want? What do YOU want? Share your thoughts, send me a message at silverwheelhealing@gmail.com Sending love, light, and bright blessings today and always, Emily
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Most people have heard of an Advanced Directive, or AD. An AD is a legal document that allows us to spell out some of our end of life wishes. Most ADs have two main functions:
However, the AD is limited in its scope. It only asks very specific questions about specific medical procedures such as intubation, tube feedings, and resuscitation. While responses to these questions allow individuals and families control over medical interventions, and instruct medical staff on how to proceed, the conversation about end of life wishes by no means should end with the AD. It can be much more rich. I encourage everyone to move beyond the Advance Directive into a greater, more in depth, more purposeful conversation. In modern America, we live in a culture of death denial that was simply not possible 150 years ago. Back then, families lived together longer, and people died at home, cared for by family. After death, the family kept their loved one at home, caring for his or her body, anointing, washing, dressing and preserving it. That was simply what was done. There had to be conversations within families about what people wanted at death because people died at home. So, what happened? Well, that’s a bigger question to be addressed in another blog post (briefly: The Civil War saw the creation of embalming and the funeral industry was born). But, the short answer is: we outsource most things now, including death, sending our dead to “professionals,” thus completing a cycle of death denial that starts with thinking death is morbid and/or something we’re not equipped to handle, and leads to ignoring death until it can’t be ignored. I like to think about birth and death in modern America. To me, birth is the transition of spirit into a new physical form, death is the transition of spirit out of its body vessel. When you think for a moment about birth culture versus death culture in the US, it’s kind of funny. There is an entire industry dedicated to preparation for birth; physical preparation through childbirth and parenting classes, baby showers, countless retailers selling any and everything new parents could need with lots of advertising and competitive pricing. Emotional preparation: most expectant parents dream about and plan every last detail, imagining how they want to feel, and what a Good Birth would be like. Yet, we all die, but we don’t get coupons in the mail for coffins. and most of us don’t think about how we want to feel, make decisions about care beyond the Advance Directive, or prepare emotionally or physically. We certainly don’t consider what a Good Death would be like. But, we can make a different choice. I’d like you to try an exercise. Sit or lie down in a comfortable, quiet spot where you won’t be disturbed. Think about death; your own death. What are your thoughts? How do you feel? What sensations do you notice in your body? If I asked you what a good death would be like, what would you think? Are any images coming to you? Did you ever consider having a good death? Do you think a good death is possible? Can you imagine how it would feel? I can. I know that a good death is possible, because I have been present at good deaths. Death is personal. It is not a cookie cutter experience, and it is fitting that we should customize it. A simple way to start thinking about how you want to die is to consider how you like to be cared for in general. Let’s use treating a cold as an example. When I feel a cold coming, I take immediate preventive action. I visit my acupuncturist, take herbs and supplements, go to a sauna, wear my warmest socks, drink more water than usual, diffuse essential oils, and get plenty of rest. I listen to my body. I don’t push my body, I don’t go to work, I cancel all non-essential appointments and I concentrate fully on getting better. I eat if I want to eat, I don’t if I don’t. I introduce only calming stimuli to my environment e.g. I avoid people who raise my dander, and I keep my visual and aural intake mellow, often turning to comforting favorites (“Anne of Green Gables” is my usual sick day movie of choice!). If I need help, I ask for it, and I allow people to take care of me. It feels good. Maybe you treat a cold differently! What’s good for me is good for me, not everyone. But it’s a conscious choice…and making choices is what I am trying to stress here. Not making choices is a waste of freedom and conscious thought. Making informed choices is an act of self-love. I have very specific ideas about my death that I have shared with my loved ones. I know that even if some things change, or are not possible when it is my time, my wishes are understood and I will be honored. It feels good. Please message me at silverwheelhealing@gmail.com to share how this exercise felt for you, and how will you want to go past the Advance Directive. I’d love to hear from you. Sending love, light, and bright blessings today and always, Emily I recently listened to an amazing podcast about using essential oils to help process such complex emotions as grief. Liz Fulcher of the Aromatic Wisdom Institute School of Creative Aromatherapy says:
This week’s show is all about grief; what it is as well as the many varied situations and experiences that can send us into a state of grief. You’ll learn about how essential oils and some of their subtle qualities can help us during the darkest emotional times of our life. Discover a unique way to choose the right essentials oils for your particular emotional difficulty as you’re going through grief. If you, or someone you know is in a stage of grief, you’ll find this episode particularly helpful. Please find this incredible podcast from Aromatic Wisdom at the link below, or on your Iphone’s Podcasts app: http://aromaticwisdominstitute.com/025/ Sending love, light, and bright blessings today and always, Emily |
AuthorWelcome! My name is Emily. I’m an end of life doula, death doula, mourning doula, home funeral doula and organizing doula in Seattle. Archives
March 2017
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